Communicating Bravely
Years ago, I left a job because our family was relocating. But that wasn’t the only reason. I really wanted to quit that job. Part of my job involved working closely with my supervisor, assisting him with many of his tasks. The problem was, our personalities did not work very well together, and I often ended up feeling deeply frustrated when he missed deadlines and left me scrambling to make up for his tardiness. Our move gave me a convenient exit strategy, but it didn’t diminish the feelings of resentment that had started to build inside of me toward my supervisor.
One day, about a week before my last day of work, I opened up to my husband, Mark, about how I felt toward my supervisor. I told him I couldn’t wait to be done. After listening and sympathizing with the frustrations I’d faced at work, Mark asked me if I was planning to tell him how I’d felt while working for him.
“No way,” I said. “I don’t think that will go well.”
“You don’t know that,” Mark said. “If you don’t tell him how you felt, you aren’t giving him the opportunity to make it right. Maybe he would want to make it right if he knew how you’d experienced him.”
That wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I knew God was speaking to me through Mark. I have never enjoyed confrontation. In fact, at that point in my life, I actively avoided all confrontation. I felt terrified of being rejected by people or being a disappointment to them, so I instead preferred to silence my own feelings and opinions for the sake of “peace.”
But I knew God was pointing me toward brave communication—saying the truth of how I felt no matter how scary it felt.
Just a few days later, during my exit interview, I shared how frustrating the dynamics of my position had been, and even though I hadn’t expected it, my supervisor truly heard me and sincerely apologized. I forgave him, of course, but surprisingly, I also felt a new affection for him. Working through our conflict had not only resolved it, but had also strengthened our relationship.
I walked away from that job feeling deeply thankful that God had pushed me to be brave. I had told the truth kindly, and against all my negative expectations, I had experienced repentance and reconciliation. I no longer felt weighed down by my experience at that job. Instead, I felt liberated. Having discovered the potential of brave communication, I could no longer be content with avoidance, no matter how comfortable it felt.
That day began a journey in my life toward becoming a person who refuses to run away from conflict, but instead persistently engages in healthy confrontation and relational dialogue. I am still on this journey. Sometimes conflict feels terribly hard and scary. I have experienced some great victories—but also some painful losses. Not everyone wants to work through conflict. Not everyone knows how to engage in conflict in a kind and constructive manner.
And of course, I’m still figuring it out too. I’ve made plenty of mistakes. But I’ve found that two people who are truly committed to working through conflict will find their way through to resolution. In a world full of reactionary conflict and accusation, imagine the impact the Church could have if we all sought to follow Paul’s admonition: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom. 12:18 NIV).
Toward that end, on my own journey, I’ve found four helpful keys to brave communication:
1. Speak kindly. It’s easier to just blurt out how you feel without any filters. The problem is, people will have a hard time hearing the truth of what you’re saying because of the way you’re saying it. Approaching a conflict in attack mode always leads to a fight. Instead, take some time to figure out how you can say what you need to say in a way that will cause the least amount of hurt possible. Ask yourself how you’d want someone else to say it if they needed to confront you about that issue.
2. Talk about yourself. When addressing an area of conflict, many of us are prone to talking about the other person. We launch accusations and make broad assumptions about that person’s intentions or character. We make identity statements like, “You are a jerk!” This approach only puts the other person on the defensive. And a person on the defensive will not easily hear and understand what he or she did to hurt you. Instead, tell the person about yourself. You are the only person who is an expert on yourself (and you are not an expert on the other person). Say something like, “When you did this, I felt this.” This approach requires vulnerability. You need to be willing to share how you feel. But it will also bring down defenses and enable the other person to hear you more clearly. Saying, “You’re a crazy driver” has a whole different feel than saying, “When you drive like that, I feel scared.” One launches an accusation and brings up walls. The other opens the heart and makes a way for dialogue.
3. Seek first to understand. When we enter a conflict, we are most focused on our own perspective. But if both people are most focused on their own perspective, the discussion will turn into a power struggle. Who can state his or her opinion the loudest? Who can be the most forceful or intimidating? We don’t consciously think this through, but we so often behave like this because we are both trying to be heard, and neither one of us has stopped to hear the other. If our goal is healthy communication, we need to be committed to understanding the other person’s perspective. Become curious. Ask questions. Repeat back what you think you’ve heard. Lay down your desire to be understood first, and become a student of how the other person feels. Not only will this broaden your perspective and increase your sympathy for that person’s position, but it will soften that person toward you. Your decision to listen first will give you emotional equity with that person, and before long, that person will be ready to hear your perspective too.
4. Be willing to be wrong. This is the hardest of all. We hate being wrong, yet we are all wrong sometimes. The best way to combat this self-protective instinct is to be quick to repent when you recognize you’ve done something wrong or hurt another person. In fact, when you enter a conflict, commit to owning your part and repenting for every way in which you contributed to the conflict—even if the other person doesn’t reciprocate. All you can do is your part. This is what it looks like to live at peace with others “as far as it depends on you.”
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