Disappointed with Friendship
We all need friends, but true friends can be hard to find. Finding friendships that last is even harder. Sometimes the people we love and trust turn against us or suddenly ghost us. Sometimes they become toxic or abusive, and we need to make our exit. Sometimes they get too busy or move away. Sometimes they create distance because of their struggles—or because of our own struggles.
I’ve experienced all of these scenarios, and none of them were fun. More than once, I’ve commiserated with the psalmist: “My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds; my neighbors stay far away” (Ps. 38:11 NIV), and, “Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me” (Ps. 41:9 NIV).
I’m sure you can relate.
People who were dear to my heart chose to leave—sometimes vocally, but often silently. At other times, friends who previously made time for me found that they no longer could. When life got busy, I wasn’t in their inner circle. But the biggest reason for friendship change in my life has been life transition. I’ve lived in five different cities (in three states) during my adult life. Many of my friends have moved, too. Although these friendships aren’t usually lost, they do change. Staying in touch is harder, even with technology. Though I still feel deep affection for those people, we are no longer living life together. This is also a loss.
Whether because of conflict, disagreement, circumstances, or unknown reasons, every friendship loss hurts. The Bible tells us, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity” (Prov. 17:17 NIV), but sometimes that’s not how we experience it. Sometimes, instead of the friend who sticks closer than a brother, we find ourselves abandoned by, forgotten by, or even fleeing from unreliable friends (see Prov. 18:24).
In moments like these, it’s easy to harden our hearts and become cynical. I’ve had moments of deep heartbreak that left me wanting to give up on finding heart-to-heart friendships. But God won’t let me give up on friendship, because he knows I need it. And so do you.
In the face of disappointment in friendship, the question is: How do we avoid carrying the negative feelings from these losses, like fear or insecurity, forward into future relationships? On my own journey, God has given me several principles that have helped me heal when friends disappoint.
1. Be honest about how you feel, and let yourself grieve. It feels easier to act like what happened didn’t hurt, but if we don’t allow ourselves to process the pain, it will influence our future friendships. It helps me to talk out loud to Jesus about why I feel sad or angry or abandoned. I tell him the things I don’t understand about what happened. I ask him to comfort me in specific ways. Processing out loud can be very helpful, but we must be very careful about processing with other people. This can too quickly turn into gossip and slander. If you need to talk to someone, find a person who is removed from the situation and keep it confidential. Or talk to a pastor or therapist. Ultimately, Jesus is the best person to process with because he can heal your heart. And he also has a perfect perspective on the situation. He loves the other person just as much as he loves you.
2. Decide to forgive even when you don’t feel like it. Forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. When people hurt and betray us, forgiveness is an extremely important part of our healing journey. Jesus told us to forgive because he knew that unforgiveness turns into bitterness, which will slowly poison our soul. No matter what your former friend has done or how you feel about it, choose to forgive. You may need to make that choice every day for a while, but eventually your feelings will follow your choice, and you will be free.
3. Choose to be thankful for the good. We can find good in almost every relationship. Finding the good doesn’t make up for the hurt you experienced. It doesn’t diminish what happened, but it can help you heal. I’ve found that focusing on the good parts has helped me forgive and let go. Yes, that person ultimately hurt me, but when we were friends, she often was a real support to me. We had genuine fun together. She made my life richer for a season. I can be thankful for that.
4. Accept the seasonal nature of some relationships. I thrive on deep connection, and when I love someone, I want that person to be in my life forever. But real life isn’t like that. Circumstances change. People come and go. Some friendships are only for a season. It is not good or bad; it just is. Accepting that has helped me appreciate more fully the time when our paths intersected. It has helped me let go of regret and learn to value friendships that were not long term but that still imparted great strength and beauty into my life.
5. Refuse to define yourself by your friendship losses. When a friendship ends in a negative way (i.e. not because of changing circumstances), we naturally begin to believe things about ourselves based on how our former friends treated us. During seasons when I have lost important friendships or struggled to make new friendships, I’ve been tempted to take that on as an identity. I must not be a good friend. My personality isn’t as fun as others. I’m not very interesting. And so forth. The truth is, I will never be a perfect friend, but if I have an open and loving heart and use healthy communication, I know how to be a good friend. We don’t always know why friendships fail, but let’s not allow those failures to define who we are.
6. Honestly examine the part you played and seek to learn and grow. Our friendship failures don’t define us, but we can learn from them. When you allow God to heal the pain of those losses, you will be more able to objectively look at your own behavior and see ways you can improve. If you wronged the other person, own that and repent. Or perhaps you didn’t do anything wrong, but your personal weaknesses or poor communication contributed to the breakdown in your friendship. It can be painful to acknowledge the part you played, but doing so will enable you to become a better friend.
7. Trust in God’s ability to redeem all things. No matter what happened, God can bring good from it in your life. Not only does he heal, but he redeems and restores. He wants us to experience deep and supportive friendships that bring us closer to one another and to him. When your experiences don’t align with that vision, you can trust that he is working on your behalf to help you find true friends.
Ultimately, God is the one friend who will never hurt or fail us. His friendship enables us to process and heal from the losses and cultivate faith for increase. If you find yourself in a season of grieving loss or disappointment in friendship, allow the Holy Spirit to guide you through these seven key truths. And know this: You are loved, and you are not alone.
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