Does My Husband Have All the Best Ideas?

A while ago, I attended a women’s meeting at my church where two pastors—a married couple that co-pastors their church—shared about the importance of empowering women (and not just men) into positions of leadership within the church and family. At the end, they had a question and answer time, and one woman shared that she had wrestled with feeling like she was always “running ahead” of her husband because she is more naturally visionary and has more leadership gifting than he does. She asked how she can steward her gifts without running ahead of her husband.

I’ll never forget what one of the speakers said in response. She shared that she had felt that way in her marriage for years, until she realized that it was OK for her to “run ahead,” because that’s just being a leader. No one ever criticizes a husband for running ahead of his wife because we have this idea that the husband always needs to lead, but not only is that unrealistic, it’s also unfair to both husband and wife.

I could relate to this, because I used to believe my husband needed to be the spiritual leader in our relationship and family. I took that to mean that he needed to be leading the charge in our joint pursuit of God and our sense of calling as a couple and family.

My husband is naturally a strong leader, but that doesn’t mean he always had the word from God or the best idea for a particular situation. At times, I would feel frustrated that he wasn’t doing what I thought he should. I believed in something strongly, and I wanted him to have as much vision for it as I did. After all, if God had put it on my heart, it must be important—so why didn’t my husband have the same drive to make it happen that burned within me? At times, I resented his inaction and seeming lack of passion. I wanted him to “man up” and lead.

Not surprisingly, my husband would also feel frustrated by the way I pressured him to lead in something that he didn’t care about as much as I did. It’s a set-up for disharmony—expecting the person without the vision to lead the charge simply because he’s the man. Now I realize that Mark wanted me to just step up and lead what God had put in my heart, but I held back because I thought that was his role, not mine.

Here’s the thing. In a healthy marriage, both spouses will take turns leading the charge spiritually, because both of them should be growing in their individual spiritual lives—and then bringing the strength of what they’re learning with Jesus into their marriage. Spiritual leadership in marriage isn’t about gender; it’s about revelation and vision.

The spouse that has the greatest revelation and passion about a particular idea or initiative is the best person to lead in that area. If God puts it on my heart that we should be supporting a particular missionary, I should take the lead in that area. And if God puts it on my husband’s heart that we should set aside a time to pray together for our kids, he should take the lead in that.

This eliminates the pressure for the husband to do all the leading, and it also removes the potential for the wife to become resentful if her husband isn’t a strong leader or doesn’t take as much initiative as she’d like. Instead of telling the husband he must always lead spiritually—or telling the wife that she must subdue her vision and passion in areas her husband isn’t pursuing—let’s free both to follow God’s leading in their lives.

Throughout the Bible, we see God revealing a call or vision to the person he wants to lead the charge. God didn’t tell Lappidoth what he wanted Deborah to do. He told Deborah, because she was called to lead that mission (see Judges 4). And he didn’t appear to Zipporah in the burning bush to send his message to Moses. He appeared to Moses, because he wanted Moses to lead that call (see Exod. 3).

Of course, God often does speak to our spouses and friends about his call for our lives—especially if we’re having a hard time believing it. But he always speaks to us, too. He always puts it in our hearts and stirs up passion we can’t ignore. This is clear evidence of his calling in our lives. The person with the revelation about and vision for the issue at hand is the person called to lead it—regardless of gender.

I want my husband to be free to pursue the vision God’s put on his heart without feeling like he has to lead out in areas I’m passionate about. He can take a supportive role. And I want to be free to run after the dreams God’s put in my heart without worrying that I might be “running ahead” of my husband.  

It’s beautiful—the idea that we can truly do this together. That when he has vision, I can support him, and when I have vision, he can support me. Sometimes co-leadership in marriage looks like side-by-side teamwork, and sometimes it looks like taking turns leading. Both are important. Both free us as individuals to show up fully in our oneness. Both illuminate “submitting to one another in the fear of Christ” (Eph. 5:21 CSB).

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