Don’t Gaslight Yourself
Recently, I’ve been working on processing disappointment about a years-long dream in my life that feels like it is dying.
I think most of us have been there at least once. We really wanted something, but for a variety of reasons, it didn’t work out. And now we need to grieve that dream and move forward.
And in this process, I’ve realized something about myself. Sometimes, when facing grief and loss, I gaslight myself. I tell myself that what I wanted doesn’t matter that much. Or it wasn’t that important compared to other things. Or that it isn’t very spiritual or mature to be so sad and disappointed about material things.
Over the last few years, the word gaslight has grown massively in usage. Simply put, to gaslight is to manipulate a person into questioning his or her own sanity, thought process, or perception of reality. It often includes trivializing another person’s emotions or perceptions as overreactions or imaginations. Usually, gaslighting is used to describe a relational dynamic between two people, but I think it is also possible to gaslight ourselves.
As Christians, we are regularly reminded to prioritize spiritual realities over natural ones. The visible realm is temporary, but the invisible realm is eternal (see 2 Cor. 4:16-18). We overcome the struggles we face in this life by centering our hearts and our faith on spiritual truth.
These are true statements. I believe them with my whole heart.
Yet, we need to be careful that we don’t use these truths to gaslight ourselves—to diminish or trivialize what we feel. Our feelings don’t always represent truth, but they do tell us the truth about what’s going on in our hearts and minds. For example, I may feel lonely, even if I have a strong support system. So technically, my feeling doesn’t represent the truth of the situation. I am not alone. Yet, the feeling of loneliness is a true experience that I am having, and if I want to be free of it, I need to acknowledge it, face it, and allow Jesus to help me identify the root of it and walk me through it.
I can’t do that if I tell myself that feeling isn’t legitimate since I do have people who love me. Or it isn’t legitimate because God will never leave me or forsake me. Or it isn’t legitimate since I need to be a strong and mature Christian, and such people know how to submit their feelings to the Spirit.
I think we do this for a few reasons. First, many of us experienced gaslighting as children when our emotions made grownups feel uncomfortable. Second, we are often uncomfortable with the nuance involved in allowing ourselves to feel something, while also recognizing that feeling is not rooted in faith (or what’s possible for us as Christians).
How do we allow ourselves to feel sad while also knowing that the joy of the Lord is our strength? How do we allow ourselves to grieve while also knowing that God wipes away every tear?
It’s an uncomfortable both/and in which our present imperfect reality bumps up against God’s eternally perfect truths and promises (see 1 Cor. 13:12). So how do we acknowledge the disappointment we feel about our present circumstances while also living in faith for God’s provisions and breakthroughs? Here’s what I’ve been doing:
1. I refuse to diminish or discount my feelings about a situation. Telling myself they don’t matter won’t actually resolve them.
2. I bring my feelings to Jesus with raw honesty, while also refusing to blame him. I know he is not the author of the bad things in my life. No matter how frustrated or helpless I feel, I refuse to blame him. He is my truest friend and champion.
3. I ask Jesus to heal my heart and help me release the emotions I feel (whether they are justified or not) to him. If my emotions seem illogical or unfounded, I ask him to help me understand why I feel like I do. What’s at the root? Only his comfort will heal my heart and help me to move forward in a healthy way.
4. I ask Jesus to help me see his perspective on the situation. Am I missing out on faith that he wants me to hold onto? Or am I grieving something that is lost? Either way, I want to know his heart. Knowing what he sees gives me heavenly perspective.
5. I ask Jesus to align my heart with his. Is he grieving my loss? I want to connect with his heart for me in that moment. Is he inviting me into radical faith? I want an impartation of courage and faith to believe for what’s possible.
6. I ask Jesus to give me a word for my next step or next season. How do I move forward from here with faith and hope? He knows what I need to hear.
In moments of disappointment, we need to know that Jesus is our kindest friend, and he is OK with our journey. Jesus never gaslights us. He never tells us we are too weak for him or that our feelings don’t matter. Instead, as “the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort” (2 Cor. 1:3 NIV), he pours his strength into our broken places and heals us as only he can (see Ps. 40:1-2).
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