Lonely for the Holidays

My social media feed is currently full of pictures of friends chopping down Christmas trees with their families, their cute Christmasy living room décor, and their baking adventures with their kids. I love the happiness those photos represent. Yet I also want to speak to an important truth. While we are inundated with cozy and heartwarming images of family and togetherness on TV and social media at this time of year—many people still feel deeply lonely.

Many people grieve important absences during the holidays. The absence of a loved one. The absence of loving family relationships. The absence of finances. The absence of hope.

Sometimes all the tinsel and twinkly lights and bright smiles hide a heartache underneath. For some, a deep and roaring grief. For others, a whispering and wearing sadness.

And that matters.

I love that we get to celebrate so much of what is good and beautiful at this time of year. That the celebration of Christ’s advent into this world includes celebrating family, because God is all about family. God’s heart has always been to place the lonely in families (see Ps. 68:6). And Jesus came to show us the Father so that we can all find a place to belong with him (see Gal. 3:26). The Christian celebration of Christmas inherently includes belonging and togetherness, because that’s the great problem Christ came to solve. He rescues the lost children and brings them back home. Yet in this life, many of us experience great heartbreak and loneliness.

Like many of you, the holidays are not always an easy time for me. Our family’s biggest grief happened in the few weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas five years ago. The losses and griefs of that season often feel especially fresh during this time. So many small things about the holidays remind me of that pain.

I know many of you can relate. But that can be really hard to talk about. We’re supposed to be happy at Christmas. We want to be happy at Christmas. We don’t want to interrupt the season of joy with our personal heartbreak. Because of that, we often choose to shutter that sadness inside and play along like all is cheery and bright.

And that is an incredibly lonely space.

In her poem, “Not Waving but Drowning,” Stevie Smith tells the story of a man far out in the water. He is waving his arms because he’s drowning, but the people on shore think he’s just waving and having a good time. As he dies, the man says,

I was much too far out all my life

and not waving but drowning.

So many of us end up feeling like we are drowning in the holidays, alone in our private grief, unseen and unheard. We don’t know how to tell people what we need, or maybe they don’t want to hear it. Such loneliness can be engulfing.

If that’s you today, I see you. And I want you to know—it’s OK that this season is hard. More importantly, Jesus sees you. He knows where you’re at, and he is with you in it. You are not alone. You don’t have to pretend in order to be loved by him.

Grief and loneliness are part of the Christmas story too. Jesus came because of God’s great heartbreak and loneliness—because he grieved for his lost children. Because he wanted them to come home. He knows what grief feels like, and he knows what it is to feel alone.

And he is the great answer to the problem of loneliness. He is Immanuel—God with you. He comes to comfort your heart with his presence. He comes to shine light in the darkness, to release joy in the midst of pain.

Ask Jesus to meet you in your pain this Christmas. And ask him to send true friends who will love you like he does. Don’t lose hope. Even when you feel like you are drowning, Jesus is the best swimmer alive. He can walk on water and calm waves with his words. With him, you are never alone.

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