Marriage of Empowerment
About a year ago, one of my marriage posts went semi-viral on Facebook and got shared by some fairly well-known names among those advocating for a healthier view of marriage in the church.
The graphic said: A mature husband does not fear the strength of his wife.
While this statement seems obvious and should be a baseline standard in marriage, it clearly hit on a point of pain and frustration with many people.
As a woman growing up in church, I’ve felt the negative associations connected to strong women. From early on, I heard comments about too-opinionated Nancy and bossy Sue. In early adulthood, I started hearing certain women referred to as “Jezebels,” not because they actually were divisive and seductive, but because they had strong opinions and wouldn’t just get in line with the more passive women.
It didn’t take long for me to internalize this reality: The church often views strong women (those with strong opinions and natural leadership ability) in a negative light, while affirming strong men. The same personality and gifts that would highlight a man as a potential leader were often detrimental to a woman’s ability to contribute and influence in church settings.
This happens, of course, because many people still believe women should not lead—not in church and especially not in marriage. Even as many churches begin slowly changing their views and policies on women in leadership, much of the teaching on marriage in these churches remains the same. The man is the head, and the woman submits.
Women who are natural leaders are called controlling or domineering wives. They “wear the pants” in their marriage, and we all know that can’t be good. I’ve talked to more than one woman who is a naturally stronger leader than her husband, and she’s told me her husband has been ridiculed or questioned for being supportive of her instead of putting her in her place. This should not be.
God’s picture of marriage is two becoming one, mutually submitting to one another (see Mark 10:8, Eph. 5:21). Two becoming one doesn’t mean one person disappears into the other, but that two empowered individuals learn how to walk as one. They learn to live in unity (which is not the same as conformity) while also being fully themselves.
This kind of two-as-one marriage involves a lot of self-work and awareness and inner healing. It means becoming the best version of ourselves and learning to live out Christ-like love and honor and submission. It means recognizing our own strengths while also valuing the strengths of our partner. It means refusing to act like marriage is a competition to see who can have the most power.
A marriage of two equals requires equal respect and equal empowerment.
When we live in healthy self-confidence (knowing our worth and identity in God), we are quick to want to celebrate and empower the people around us. We are not easily threatened by other people’s strengths, but instead value what they bring.
In a healthy marriage, both husband and wife will look for ways to celebrate and elevate each other. Neither will be intimidated by the strengths of the other, but will breathe life and encouragement into those strengths.
Marriage is all about learning to work and live alongside another fully empowered person. A strong marriage takes a lot of hard work and perseverance and forgiveness. But all the perseverance and forgiveness in the world won’t make a marriage work if only one spouse is working. A marriage can only become strong if both husband and wife persevere and forgive and work hard toward one another.
Marriage is all about team work. It’s all about learning to work and live side-by-side with another fully empowered human. Yes, sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s crazy hard. But that hard is a necessary precursor to the beauty of a great marriage rooted in co-leadership.
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