Can Co-Leadership Really Work in Marriage? (Part 1)

I used to believe my husband, Mark, needed to be the leader (often called the “head”) in our marriage. But over the first five years of our marriage, Mark and I realized a few things. First, male headship wasn’t working for us. In fact, it had created a lot of pain and dysfunction. Second, not everyone believes the Bible teaches male headship. The more we studied, the more we became convinced that God’s heart for marriage goes back to Adam and Eve’s experience of co-leadership in the Garden of Eden before sin entered the world. Two become one isn’t just about our physical union, but about learning to live and lead and grow together.

Since then, as we have shared our journey with others, we have often been asked how co-leadership can practically work in marriage. How can a couple settle a disagreement if neither one has a final decision-making “trump card”?

In my opinion, this is a very small view of marriage. At our church, the elder team consists of nine individuals, and they have decided to always make decisions unanimously, not by majority. This means they have committed to however long a discernment process takes until they all reach agreement. If a team of nine can do that, then certainly a team of two can do that!

The idea that a marriage needs a tie-breaker falls short, because it settles for a decision that one half of the team disagrees with. Taking the time to reach unity is worth it! In the seventeen years that Mark and I have been married, we have never encountered a decision that we could not come to agreement on.

Yes, sometimes it takes time and vulnerability and hard conversations. And of course, it requires mutual submission to the leadership of the Holy Spirit. But in the end, it is the path that strengthens our connection and brings mutual honor.

To that end, I want to share with you two co-leadership tools that have transformed our marriage. The first is below; the second will come in Part 2. (Stay tuned.)

Tool 1: Embrace a decision-making model rooted in co-submission to Christ.

Despite what you might think, co-leadership in marriage doesn’t have to be hard. A few years ago, I encountered a simple decision-making model based on co-leadership in marriage. It comes from Tim and Anne Evans, who have written several books on marriage from a co-leadership perspective. Their model is essentially the practice Mark and I have followed for years, but their way of explaining it is easy and memorable.

The foundation of this decision-making model is the understanding that God is the real leader of the marriage. So, husband and wife work together to discern how God is leading. We can imagine this discernment as a traffic light. Red means no; yellow means wait; green means yes. When faced with a decision, both husband and wife pray separately for either a yes, a wait, or a no from God. Then they compare notes. If they got the same answer, the decision is made. If they didn’t get the same answer, they put the decision on pause and continue to pray about it until they reach agreement.

This tool is incredibly simple. As long as both partners desire to submit to God’s leadership, it works. (Obviously, if one or more person in the marriage is selfish or manipulative, that person will just use this tool to frustrate and manipulate the other person. In such a situation, couples need much more than a decision-making tool. They need therapy.)

The idea that we need a final decision-maker in marriage is really a lack of faith in God’s plan and his ability to work through two who have become one. This has always been his desire and design. In the Garden, God explicitly said Adam should not be alone. He needed an equal partner in his mission to fill and subdue the earth. And after creating Eve, God commissioned Adam and Eve together to fulfill that call. God is mighty enough to speak clearly and bring unity of direction in your marriage without needing a male trump card.

The question is, are you willing to trust him to do it?

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