Can Co-Leadership Really Work in Marriage (Part 2)?
Growing up in the church, I never heard anyone explain or argue for a co-leadership model of marriage. In my world, it didn’t exist. Certainly, some couples operated essentially as co-leaders, but they still believed in male headship. It seemed unquestionable that God had ordained men to lead and women to follow. I didn’t even know another Christian marriage model existed.
Today, the marriage landscape in the church has changed significantly. Increasing numbers of people are beginning to question and reject the male-headship model in search of something based in mutual submission.
For most of us, this journey from a male-headship model to a co-leadership model is not a simple one. I wish it could be like deciding to change your internet provider or switching out an old appliance for a better brand—but the truth is, this change requires a deep inner reworking of our mindsets and our thoughts, as well as (often) a degree of emotional healing.
In the Old Testament, when God rescued the Israelites from four hundred years of slavery in Egypt, he wanted to bring them into the promised land immediately, and he wanted to make a relational covenant with them in which they would all be priests (all know him personally). But they could not overcome generations of slavery and idol worship (and the accompanying mindsets and emotional baggage) so quickly. The first generation didn’t make it to the promised land at all—and even their children held onto many old mindsets about themselves and God that ultimately sabotaged their ability to know him.
While I’m not saying that male headship is like slavery (though sometimes it is applied in a very oppressive manner), I am saying that the mindset shift in a marriage from one leader and one follower to two co-leaders is significant and complex. (I’ll be unpacking some of these complexities in future blogs.) It takes time and intentionality. So if you’re on this journey, or considering it, know that your process is normal, and as long as you stick with it, you will find your way to that promised land in your marriage.
In my most recent blog, “Can Co-Leadership Work in Marriage (Part 1),” I examined one of the practical objections to co-leadership in marriage, and I gave a simple first tool for how to operate in co-leadership. This tool is rooted in the reality of our co-submission to Christ. The beauty of the co-leadership model is that it brings us back to a greater dependance on Christ. As individuals and as a couple, we look to him for our leadership, and we trust him to speak to us together.
Today, I want to offer a second tool to assist your co-leadership journey that involves intentionally changing the culture of your marriage.
Tool 2: Create a culture that empowers both people’s voices.
Co-leadership in marriage requires two equally empowered voices. But what happens (as it often does) if one person in the marriage has a more dominant and persuasive personality? It’s easy for marriages that don’t subscribe to male headship to instead default to leadership by the more persuasive or type-A personality, whether male or female. But this isn’t true co-leadership.
True co-leadership is mutual submission to one another (see Eph. 5:21). It is team leadership in which both partners work to honor and submit to the other and to God. This view of marriage requires both partners to be aware of how their personalities impact the conversation and purposefully engage in a way that promotes a joint decision. This looks different for each partner:
Dominant Partner—Draw out. The partner who is a stronger leader and more persuasive personality must choose to diminish his or her persuasive abilities and actively work to draw out and value the opinion of the other.
Passive Partner—Show up. And the partner who is less assertive and has a more passive personality must choose to speak up and honestly voice his or her opinion even when it feels uncomfortable and it would be easier to default to following.
This is what mutual submission looks like. One person submitting his/her natural leadership and the other submitting his/her natural passivity. And finding their voice together. This is the new covenant standard for marriage—the high bar that God offers us and makes possible through his grace.
Learning to co-lead in marriage is a sometimes long and complex process, but it is worth it. In the garden, God created the man and woman to lead together. To fill and subdue together. To represent his heart and nature together. The fall brought a curse upon the marriage relationship, but Jesus has freed us from that curse.
It’s time for a co-leadership revival!
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