What Forgiveness Isn’t
Recently, I wrote a blog arguing that forgiveness matters because it is self-care—it helps our hearts find freedom and protects us from bitterness. Forgiveness is what helps us stay whole and heathy, no matter what the other person did to us.
But what happens when you know you should forgive, but you just don’t feel like you can?
Many people have felt this way. Although they want to forgive, the ideas often conflated with forgiveness seem impossible (or just plain wrong). Unfortunately, the Church has unintentionally contributed to this struggle. The way Christians often teach and talk about forgiveness creates a hurdle to forgiveness, making it into an impossible task in which we must somehow “forgive and forget.” In other words, we believe forgiveness means we must relinquish all desire for justice and move forward as though the offense against us never happened.
It’s time to move past this mistaken idea about forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a state of the heart. We could define it as “freedom from bitterness, resentment, and the desire for revenge” (1). But because of all the unhelpful teaching surrounding forgiveness, I think it’s important to clarify what forgiveness isn’t.
1. Forgiveness isn’t a feeling. My view of forgiveness forever changed years ago when I heard one of my pastors say that forgiveness isn’t a feeling, but a choice. I’d been wrestling with forgiving someone who had betrayed me in a significant way. I set my heart to forgive her, but when I thought about what had happened, the pain and grief of it felt overwhelming. I thought my feelings were proof I hadn’t yet forgiven. But my pastor said forgiveness was a choice I could make independent of how I felt. I could decide to forgive her; I could keep agreeing with that decision; and over time, my emotions would catch up with my choice. That revelation freed me. I had already forgiven her. I kept declaring it. And now, many years later, the pain of that experience is gone.
2. Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we can’t acknowledge the injustice of what happened. Joseph was the first person named in the Bible as forgiving others, and his story debunks several modern “forgiveness myths.” During all his years in Egypt, whether in good or bad circumstances, Joseph did not forget what his brothers had done to him and the very real losses he had experienced because of them. When Joseph revealed his identity to his brothers, he said, “I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt!” He reminded them of what they had done to him and how it had affected him (see Gen. 45:4–8).
3. Forgiveness isn’t pretending. So often we think that if we’ve forgiven, we must move on as though it never happened. We must pretend that everything is just how it’s always been. But that’s a lie. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to pretend that what happened didn’t hurt, didn’t impact us deeply or even permanently. Some wounds change us forever. Even after we heal, the scars remain. We are no longer the same people we once were, and that’s OK. Forgiveness does not mean we need to pretend that what happened didn’t affect us. Even though things turned out in Joseph’s favor, he still wept deeply on several occasions because of the deep pain and losses he had suffered through his brothers’ actions (see Gen. 42:24; 43:30; 45:1–2, 14–15). Think about it—not only had he suffered as a slave and prisoner, but he’d lost many years with his family. He’d even missed the birth of his youngest brother and the death of his mother. Part of forgiving his brothers included telling the truth about those losses and how they had changed him.
4. Forgiveness isn’t trust. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we should just let people back into our lives without evaluating the need for healthy boundaries. Forgiveness is something we give, but trust must be earned. Trust is based on behavior, so when people act badly toward us, they show us we might not be able to trust them. It is healthy and normal to reevaluate our level of trust for people after they harm us. This is especially true in the case of betrayal or abuse, but it also applies to smaller matters, like finding out a friend was gossiping about you. Forgiveness does not automatically mean giving that person the same level of access to your life. Before revealing his identity to his brothers, Joseph tested them to see if he could trust them. Joseph played a sort of game with them to determine whether their hearts had truly changed, and only once he had determined that they were truly repentant did he reveal his identity to them and welcome them back into relationship with them (see Gen. 42–45).
5. Forgiveness isn’t silence. This is especially important when a person has committed a crime or some sort of serious transgression. We can forgive and still report that person to the authorities or the relevant leadership. We can forgive and still press charges. The essential question to ask ourselves in such cases is this: Am I doing this for revenge? Revenge is never a good motive, because it will destroy us. A desire for revenge shows that we have not yet forgiven. But sometimes people need to be held accountable, and that is not wrong. In fact, it can help prevent other people from experiencing the same hurt you experienced. Telling the truth about what happened does not mean you haven’t forgiven.
6. Forgiveness isn’t earned. While trust is based on merit, forgiveness is not. Our ability to forgive is not dependent on the other person’s repentance. In fact, I believe Joseph forgave his brothers years before they showed up in Egypt, long before he knew if they were repentant or if he would ever be restored to his family. Joseph would not have lived such a pure life in submission to God, even in the midst of suffering, if he was holding onto bitterness against his brothers all those years. Bitterness defiles (see Heb. 12:15), but Joseph experienced great favor because he was pure-hearted. Like Joseph, we can forgive even if the person who hurt us remains unrepentant. We don’t need their repentance to validate the hurt and injustice of what happened. God validates it. He sees us, and he grieves the hurt we have experienced from others. He is working for our healing and the restoration of what we lost.
Next time you find yourself needing to forgive, remember that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending. It doesn’t mean automatically trusting or being silent when you should tell the truth and fight for justice. And lastly, it isn’t earned. You can forgive any offense against you, but you can also take care of your heart.
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Notes
1. I borrowed this definition from a Facebook friend, Richie Lewis.